Well, this is a more serious topic. Although I try to not take life and all the problems that come within it too seriously, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to properly enjoy it. But this is quite serious. 

my story

Since I’ve been 14 I’ve suffered from bulimia. I hated it. Besides from the fact that in those 3 1/2 years of being sick I have never been truly happy, the whole „concept“ of bulimia was the total opposite of my values, my ideas of how I want to live and my personal philosphy of life in general (I HATE food waste, I hated how I had eating attacks were I stuffed myself just to throw up afterwards, while some thousand kilometres away children were starving). That was another factor that put me in a temporary depressive-like state. Sometimes it was worse, sometimes it got better. I have found myself a lot of times in the „depths of dispair“, how Anne Shirley Cuthbert would have said (Anne of Green Gables, Lucy Maud Montgomery). After I turned seventeen it got worse, the good days became fewer and fewer. During that time I didn’t see how much I actually suffered. I created my own world in my head were it was a great thing when I was able to throw up on what I just ate, and an even better thing when I just didn’t eat at all. Now I see how it actually was. It’s like there’s a big dark cloud hanging over those years and weeks.

How nature helped me fight bulimia

First of all I need to state out that I had professional help. I don’t want to say that it’s not possible to get out of an eating disorder without professional help, maybe it is, and I myself am also not sure how much my therapist really helped me, but it would be very irresponsable to tell you you can do that on your own. No, you can’t. You need people to talk to. I was very lucky to had some friends who sometimes really replaced a therapist. But listen to me: You need to talk, and you need to think. „Sapere aude“, as Seneca said, dare to think. 

There were some events in my life that somehow changed everything. I did a short roadtrip of a few days with my boyfriend. To the mountains. Ohhh, the mountains… Our highlight was a very exhausting and intense day hike on top of the Hochschwab. I have never done something this exhausting in my whole life before, and I was completely blown away. First of all, because it was so incredibly beautiful. Secondly, because it was so exhausting, but I felt great, it was exhausting in the most positive way. And lastly, I was blown away because I was astonished by how my body was able to climb this big mountains, how my body was able to deal with the exhaustion and how good it felt. The simplicity of standing on the top, on the peak, seeing all the other peaks that are still to be climbed, feeling the freedome, and automatically beginning to philosophize about life… I have never felt that before. I have been hiking high mountians before, but this time it was like waking up. I woke up and suddenly I was aware of what life could be like.

on the plateau of Hochschwab in Styria, Austria

A few days later I went on a shorter hike with my mum, we hade breakfast at a small mountain hut. I ordered a Café Latté with oat milk. And until today I associate this kind of coffee with these undiscribable feeling I had. The simplicity of having my coffee, enjoying the morning view, breathing in the fresh air, being surrounded by woods, ahhhh I love it. 

I can’t tell you what exactly changed but something did change. And after these two trips I threw up maybe two more times an that was it. 

What changed?

I think about that a lot. How is it possible that after almost four years of having bulimia it just stopped from one day to another? 

After „waking up“ it was as if I suddenly had the decision: do I want to continue or do I want to stop? I didn’t have the decision before. And of course, I experienced what my body was capable of and I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to live the simplicity of nature. And I just stopped. Without thinking a lot about it, it just stopped. 

I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to do this without professional help, or at least without the help of my „therapist“-friends. And if you suffer from an eating disorder or another mental illness, please seek help. I’m sure you yourself have the power inside of you somewhere to fight your problems, but to activate that power you need someone. 

And never forget how beautiful life is. To prove that just hike to the top of a mountain. You’ll see how everything is without relevance when you’re there. Only you and the nature around you matter. And maybe the beauty of it all helps you to activate this power inside of you 🙂

 

If you want to talk someone you don’t know you can definetily contact me on instagram or per email :))